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Insiders' guide to caffs and chippies for climbers

By The Rt. Hon. Alan Geer PhD & Jeremy Thomson BSc ARCS TWaT with help from Sapper Steve Jolly, Colonel Phillip Arbuthnot Wickens IV of the 12th Tanks Division and Tom 'Polly put a' Padghamon.

Updated: May 2003

Warning: Visiting Caffs can be bad for you

When journeying from London and the south to the UK's climbing destinations, it is essential for the well being of both mind and body to break the journey and partake of 'Fish 'n' Chips' and a cup of tea. However, many a pitfall awaits those unwary punters who do not choose their establishments with care; one will end up starving in Swindon, roaming aimlessly in Rotherham, eating substandard kebabs in Milton Keynes or wasting lolly in Little Chef.

With nearly two decades of experience between them, our daring testers, Dr Alan Geer and Mr Jeremy Thomson Esq have risked soggy chips, flaccid fish and truly terrible tea to bring you the best and the worst of the country's climbers' eateries.

Updates and comments welcome: email offwidth@jeremythomson.co.uk

Part 1: Places en route

Part 2: Places in the hills

Part 1: places en route

On the M1

Lutterworth Chippie

** Winner of the offwidth best chippie en route award **

Where: Junction 20 of the M1. Follow signs to Lutterworth, traditionally taking roundabout into town in the wrong direction. Look for car park on right with chippie behind. Ideal for Yorkshire and the peaks. Closed Sundays.

Description: A favourite with the more depraved male members because of the crowds of tarted-up 13-year-olds slappers wandering around the town; Lutterworth town has an official shortage of men.

If you're quick, there's time for a swift pint in the surprisingly bearable pub next door.

UPDATE: The seats have been stripped out and the toilet locked forever! In danger of losing its award.

Food 9/10 Good honest chippie with a wide menu and very well presented.
Access 9/10 A mile from the motorway
Facilities 10/10 Very good toilet, and decent seats so you don't have to eat in the street.
Chips 9/10 Not too greasy, nice big portions
Best dish 10/10 Chicken burger. Consists of a whole flame-grilled chicken breast with proper salad and garlic mayonnaise. So filling you don't need chips. Takes a while to cook so make sure that you're the first out of the van into the shop.

NEW Stapleford Kebab Shack

Where: Junction 25 of the M1. Follow the A52 towards Nottingham. At the first roundabout turn left into Stapleford. In Stapleford "town centre" (that dignifies it a bit) is a crossroads with traffic lights. Proceed straight across and the kebab shack is just down on the right.

Description: Passable food for Sunday night when the Lutterworth Chippy is closed. The real name of this establishment is unknown but the Kebab Shack will do until we find out and they fix their leaking roof. Notable for the cheapest complete meal on the UK motorway network, the Shack offers pizzas, take-away Indian, baked potatoes and of course kebabs. For £1.30 you will get a generous portion of baked potato (two large or one zeppelin), butter, grated cheese, and they even throw in a fork to eat it with. Joint seems popular with locals, especially 8pm inebriates.

Chesterfield Chippie

Information on this chippie is withheld to protect the digestively vulnerable.

Northampton

Never, ever, ever, ever go to Northampton in search of chips. There are about a million awful curry places and disgusting fried chicken joints but no chips. We visited horrible burger bar after horrible burger bar, all refused to serve us chips until finally we found a place call "flames" right at the top of the high street, which served chips but only inside kebabs. AVOID.

This just in from a reader: "I suggest if you ever have the misfortune to stop in Northampton again, that you visit the Golden Kitchen? Nice chinese chippy with climber sized portions, though it’s a bit to south to get gravy. Avoid flames like the plague! Eat there and you will catch it!"
- Duncan Scurfield

On the A1

The Angel Inn

Where: Blyth village, just south of Doncaster. It's a couple of miles west of the A1 just south of the point where it turns from motorway to A-road. Oddly it is signposted going north but not south.

Description: A vast, busy and friendly northern pub dispensing industrial quantities of bitter and fish and chips. Cheap, generous meals (chip buttie £1.25) and excellent ale, it's in the CAMRA best beer guide. Open for food until 9.30pm every night.

Food 8/10 Cheap honest grub, check the specials board.
Access 10/10 Minutes from the A1, lots of parking.
Facilities 7/10 Plenty of room but still gets crowded.
Chips 8/10 No complaints.
Best dish 7/10 Mixed grill. Enormous. Chips on seperate plate. Is this the new Hollies?

On the M40

Warwick Chippy

Where: Junction 14 of the M40. Head into town and it's on the left before the big roundabout. Parking around the back.

Description: The only decent chippy on the M40. Miles better than Banbury where your tester experienced the worst kebab ever served.

Food 8/10 A bit too expensive
Access 6/10 Not too far from the motorway
Facilities 7/10 The loos are out the back. Leave the shop, turn right and dive through the little arch.
Chips 6/10 Ordinary
Best dish 7/10 Deep fried mushrooms.

On the A30

The Golden Fry, Bodmin

Where: Ideal if you are on the way to Cornwall, and unusually on the way back too — it's open Sundays, horray! Come off A30 onto the A389 signposted Bodmin. After about half a mile find main shopping street and go to the top of the hill — the Golden Fry is on the left. Ask locals if in doubt.

Description: A busy traditional chippie, popular with the locals even on a Sunday night. Beware of local tarts cruising around in cars eyeing up your fresh meat. Better than the other Bodmin eateries by two mushy peas and a piece of Huss. A contender for Lutterworth's crown?

Food 9/10 Full traditional chippie menu, and clean too
Access 9/10 A mile from A30
Facilities ?  
Chips 10/10 Perfect
Best dish 10/10 Cod & Chips

On the M54

NEW: BP Truckstop

Where: Junction 1 of the M54. Come off the motorway and go towards Wolverhampton, then take the first left, a few hundred yards down. There are also secret signs on the M54 for the benefit of truckers.

Description: A fine alternative to Hollies** on a Sunday night. Friendly staff and good portions of caff food with tea thrown in for a fiver. Best meal is the roast beef, sometimes seen on the specials board. Also features a petrol station (with some pumps for cars), a licensed bar, and a shop with more useful items than usually found in a service station, such as gas cylinders, truck spares and an extensive collection of in-cab "reading" material for those lonely nights on the motorway.

On the M6

Holly's

Where: Junction 12 of the M6 (junction with A5). Leave at junction, follow signs to Cannock. Holly's is a mile on the left. Ideal when going to or returning from North Wales. But probably not both.

Description: Probably more famous with climbers than Pete's Eats or Eric's Cafe Holly's has sadly had it's day. This once-proud establishment with it's ludicrously large mixed grills, 2-foot diameter plates and an extra plate of chips on the side with everything lives on only in the memories of those who knew them. The food, and the building, have gone down-hill although it is still possible to get artery-rending servings of just about edible food for about £3.50.

Favourite pastimes at Holly's:

  • Slagging off other mountaineering clubs for looking like pratts in their Ron Hills uniform.
  • Trying to convince the hag behind the counter that driving a Transit qualifies you for the free cup of tea for Lorry Drivers.
  • Picking pieces of flaked-off face makep from your custard.
  • Noticing for the 20th time that the security camera points at the hag behind the till and not at the customers.
  • Holding a door shut with your foot whilst urinating in the dark and hoping that you are not standing in the puddle.
  • Going on and on about how big the pies used to be and how the mixed grill used to come with the chips on a separate plate
Food 5/10 Very variable, and no longer cheap. Generally still pretty huge though. All meals come with free pudding and bread (and soup, apparently, though they never have any) and the driver gets free tea (see above).
Access 7/10 1 mile from the motorway
Facilities 0/10 Not at all nice. Toilets are up the stairs, but there is also a (pitch dark) men's loo out the front. Hold it in until you stop for petrol.
Chips 7/10 Nice but a bit pricey
Best dish 8/10 Mixed grill. Cannot be finished by non-lorry drivers
Hollies? A historical note for pedants: In days of old, the site on which Holly's now stands was occupied by The Hollies coaching inn. It is thought that Holly, proprietor of the newly-built roadhouse during the 1930s, appreciated the irony.

The Chip Buttie / Chinese

Where: Junction 2 of the M6. Head into Coventry, and just keep going straight, minding the speed cameras, for about three or four miles. It's on the left with a big yellow sign. On leaving, look out for the gap in the middle of the road just on from the chippie and make a wild U-turn, otherwise you will get lost in Coventry. Useful for Wales and the Lake District.

Description: A favourite S+G Friday night haunt. When we arrive, the guy behind the counter in the Chinese runs instantly for a big box to put all our rubbish in. The Hot Singapore Noodles are highly recommended and tick-list caff goers can work their way through hundreds of dishes. The Chip Buttie next door is the choice for the hard-up. LATEST NEWS: After a long running campaign, the Chip Buttie has finally started selling chip butties! Horray!

Food 9/10 &
7/10 		Very good in the Chinese, fairly average in the Chippie. Score has gone up from zero since they started selling chip butties in response to our long-running campaign.
Access 7/10 A long drive from the motorway with plenty of potential for getting lost on the way. The drive is also spoilt by the drive-in McD****lds at the roundabout
Facilities 0/10 No toilets. Men can traditionally use the trees in the central reservation or the alley around the back. Wait for a petrol stop (only a few miles down the motorway).
Chips 6/10 Nothing special. Don't get large chips, as small are huge.
Best dish 9/10 &
7/10 		Hot Singapore fried noodles in the Chinese are recommended. The mini fish and chips is very cheap in the chippie.

NEW Plughole Junction

Where: Junction 7 of the M6. Go towards West Bromwich or Brum. There is a parade of shops on the right, within seconds of the motorway

Description: A place with chippy/kebabs, pizza, chinese, local hotshots in Ford Escorts and the cheapest petrol on the M6. Order enough at the pizza place and they will throw in free beer for the driver. Beats Hollies**

Part 2: Places in the hills

Lake District

Ma Shepherd's (RIP)

Recently, barbarically, bulldozed and replaced by a Little Thief. This entry has been kept as a memorial.

Where: To tell the truth, I'm not really sure — it's somewhere on or just over the Scottish border on the M6 / whatever it's called at the moment. All I remember is having to cross a four-lane motorway that seperates the parking and the caff. Not bad at 1am, but I wouldn't recommend it in the day.

Description: Small portions but reasonable prices would not let this cafe stand out from the crowd were it not for the patronage of Mick Fowler and the fact that North of the Border, decent cafes are few and far between. For Northwards bound people, visiting the cafe involves crossing both carriageways of the A74. This is best (and normally) done in a snowstorm in the dark right in front of an 18 tonner gently sliding its way southwards on the ice at 90 mph.

Peak District

The Roaches tea room

Where: About a mile west of the Roaches, on the road that runs under the crag.

Description: Not really a cafe, more of a tourists' tea room and rather expensive. Would probably frown at muddy boots or crowds of climbers. Included here after they took pity on a friend and I after we weathered a storm in the derelict house under the crag without any food, and sold us bread and eggs as well as a gorgeous breakfast. Not open evenings.

The Little John

** Winner of the offwidth best rural fodder award **

Where: High Street, Hathersage, Peak Districk. Next to the railway station turning.

Description: A seedly-looking old pub, this establishment will suit hungry climbers down to the ground. Combining simple meaty dishes with low prices, huge servings and disconcertingly cheap beer. Meals from the specials board cost about £5 and are even more generous — I remember a Ladybower trout that must have been 20 inches long. Highly recommended.

NEW Hathersage curry house

Where: High Street, Hathersage, Peak District.

Description: Sometimes tea, chips and cake just won't cut the mustard (though admittedly not often). When you need a truly substantial and tasty meal, why not visit the 'posh' new curry house on Hathersage high street? Prices have dropped substantially since it first opened, and one can enjoy a starter, main, side, naan and beer for about £10. Compares favorably to any second-rate Bradford Indian. Book early and get the sofa.

Grindleford Station Cafe

Where: Grindleford station. Follow the B6521 North out of Grindleford. A road on the left slants down to the cafe in the old station building. Probably converted into a caff in the days of Beeching.

Sir Alan B. 'Ching' Geer PhD says: Maybe the most famous climbers' caff anywhere? Grindleford station cafe feels like the archetype of all climbing cafes, an unchanged original that survives, even prospers, as the world outside turns to organic carrot cake and poncy coffee. You can imagine the veterans of mass trespasses here in red socks, just off the train from Sheffield. You can almost see flat-capped climbers draining their tea and putting three-strand ropes on shoulders, walking off up to Froggat Edge. In the moist, warm atmosphere inside the caff on a wet autumn day, you can sit by the fire with a bacon butty and let the misted windows block off the real world, if you try. Because outside you might notice people carriers and gore-tex walkers who don't appear to have been touched by a drop of rain. You might notice, by the entrance, the huge pile of empty drums of vegetable oil. You might wonder how many pints of the stuff have been infused into your bacon butty, into your hair, even into your tea. Running now for fresh air and carrot cake, you will have to ignore the handwritten commands pasted to the walls. Don't hog the fire. Don't eat packed lunches. Don't.... finally, the safety of the parked Mondeo as the central locking thunks shut. But was that the world you wanted? Your choice.

But Colonel Philip Arbuthnot Wickens IV has a sad update: Images of 70s rock [climbing] heroes have been replaced by those of old trains, and good value food by suburban prices. The negative signs still remain, and the food is still pretty much the same, but the charm and history of what was once one of the most famous climbing caffs in the world has been lost.

With the climbing photos went the climbers, so the clientelle now consists of trainspotters, of which there are few. On a bleak and wet winter's day, who wants to sit in a bleak, empty caff, staring at scruffy pics of trains?

Scotland

Safeways Cafe, Fort William

Where: Fort William. It's really not hard to find.

Description: After a gruelling overnight drive, one finds oneself tired and hungry in this little town at 5am. Just let yourself be guided by the twinkling lights of the only open establishment at that hour, put your ethics to one side, and head for Safeways. A full fried breakfast supermarket-style and endless tea will while away the hours until the store opens and you can stock up on malt whisky and get on your way. Also a favourite visit whilst sitting out thaws on the Ben. Still the best and cheapest caff in Fort Bill.

Nico's, Fort William

Where: Halfway up the pedestrianised high street in Fort William, opposite the town square.

Description: The "harder" alternative to the Safeway Caff for those stuck in Fort Bill due to fear of avalanche, Nico's serves undistinguished nosh at undistinguished prices. Conveniently located at the centre of mass of Fort William's two decent gear shops, it also serves kebabs, burgers, six types of sausage, etc. Seats are provided, but "eaters-in" get charged extra.

Food 5/10 Average portions, average flavour. Salt overload. The menu's a good 30 feet long, so there must be something nice.
Access 6/10 No parking outside. Park in the free short-stay carparks along the waterfront and it's a 1min walk into town.
Facilities 7/10 Seating if you want to pay extra, and (presumably) toilets. Gear shops outside in both directions.
Chips 5/10 Bring ketchup.
Best dish 6/10 Haggis & chips - a measly portion of chips is compensated for by a haggis large enough to make Freud look thoughtful, containing at least a tablespoonful of salt. Not for the high of blood pressure. Can be salted on request.

Snowdonia

Pete's Eats

Where: 40 The High Street, Llanberis.

Description: It's a cliché, but Pete's really is more than just a café. Recent impressive refurbishment has added an extra dining room, a library and maps room, internet facilites and a (rather pricey) bunkhouse.

Popular with locals as well as climbers, it gets very crowded when it rains. Whilst under the effects of flu, your humble tester managed to spend the best part of two 'climbing' weekends at Pete's drinking pints of tea and playing cards.

Pete's Eats is a classic haunt of climbers who are much better than you will every be, and holds the unofficial records for new routes and guide updates for North Wales.

Pete's is once again online: www.petes-eats.co.uk.

Food 6/10 Simple and large but a bit too expensive.
Access 3/10 From any of the Llanberis crags, walk north up the pass (or hitch) until you reach the town. Follow the signs down a left fork off the main road until you reach the caff at the far end of the high street.
Facilities 10/10 Unbeatable. While away raining days pouring over maps or researching your next expedition on the internet. If you have too much food to walk, you can even use the bunkhouse.
Tea 10/10 Perfect, and comes in pint mugs.
Best dish 10/10 The tea. Cakes aren't bad either. Apparently they make their own chips, over a ton a week.

Eric's Cafe

Where: Just below the crags at Tremadog.

Description: Eric was the first Welshman to solo the North Face of the Eiger, but more importantly he was the first Welshman to realise the potential of putting a cafe and car park within belaying distance of the climbing. He is a fat bloke who will regale you will endless climbing sagas if you let him. A true crag rat place.

Eric has come into his own in the past when we needed tools to adjust crampons and wire to tie the chimney of the hut back on after we tried to belay from it.

We haven't been there for a while. Anyone who has up-to-date information, please contact offwidth@jeremythomson.co.uk.

Tyn-y-Coed

Where: This well-known rough-and-ready climbers' pub-restaurant lies on the A5 about a mile outside of Capel Curig.

Description: Your standard pub fare, £4-5, quite good servings with the added advantage that you can wash it down with gallons of good southern beer. An excellent option if you are in any of the Capel campsites. Tends to open "a bit late" on Friday and Saturday nights, but don't push your luck by turning up after 11pm.

UPDATE: Have standards been slipping down as well as the Castle Eden? I hear unconfirmed rumours of insubstantial meals served at unimpressive prices. Our daring researcher Captain 'First' Gear [decd.] reports that he was left unsatisfied by two main meals, though since he can usual deal with two hundred-weight of cold rice in about ten minutes, that's neither hear nor there.

Capel Post Office Caff

Where: Capel Curig crossroads, next to post office, in front of Joe Brown's.

Description: I'm sure it's not really called the 'Post Office Caff', but you get the idea. Not targeted directly at climbers, it's still a good option on a bad day with an array of unhealthy cakes and snacks to choose from, though at slightly high prices. Also benefits from being next door to the supermarket/off licence, where one can buy a gallon of cider on the way back to one's miserable sodden tent, provided it hasn't already blown away of course. Not open evenings.

Yorkshire

Sheffield station chippie

Where: Only for use on public transport weekends, you'll find this chippie in the row of shops at the back of the bus station. There is just enough time to arrive on the last National Express, get chips, get a quick pint in the bus station pub and cross the road to the station for the last train to Hathersage / Grindelford.

Description: Not too hot really. Very large portions though.

Bernie's Caff & Caving shop

Where: Main Street, Ingleton, Yorkshire.

Description: Bernie's is a cavers' hangout rather than a climbers' den, but don't let that put you off. Decent simple nosh in large quantities at reasonable prices is good news for all. The staff and clients should also have good local knowledge if you're undecided. Open until 7 at weekends, closed Tuesdays. Unrivalled range of headtorches.

http://www.berniescafe.co.uk/

Inglesport ?

Where: Main Street, Ingleton, Yorkshire

Description: Primarily a caving & climbing gear shop, Inglesport also sports a reasonable caff. "Good, honest food," offwidth is told, but has yet to be confirmed.

http://www.inglesport.co.uk/

Updates and comments welcome: email offwidth@jeremythomson.co.uk